Void
Tonight I had the most amusing conversation with a friend on his opinion of me, my life, and my choices. He has been sheltered for the most part of his life and to this day remains just within reach of mommy's apron strings. He is quiet, shy, and untrusting, but most of all, straightlaced and provincial. He is a virgin. And like most virgins, he believes that sex should be reserved for relationships with those you trust and most importantly, love. I understand this, as when I was a virgin, this was also my belief. Well, things change. The relationship aspect at least, I still believe you should trust and have love for those you sleep with. Though, he means the 'in love with' kind of love.
He and I are fairly good friends, we chat openly and often. He has admitted to having affections for me. I have explained the boundries of our friendship. I am nothing if not honest and he has found this to be one of my flaws. When he asked how my new year's eve was, I told him honestly. He asked questions, all of which I answered. I was sure he did not really want to know but he kept asking and I kept answering. He says he prides himself on being objective and not judging, but I could hear the disapproval in his voice. He knew that my first time was with someone I was 'in love' with and he approved of that. This, however, was the first he'd asked about any other sexual encounters and he did not like what he heard.
He is currently enrolled in a women's studies course and has been using me as his only gateway into the female psyche, as I am one of his closest friends and the only female of the bunch. Not to mention, his most open and honest friend. I do not believe myself to be a 'typical' woman, but he already knew this and chose to interview me anyway. The end of the course is nearing and he is required to write a paper discussing what he has gotten from it. A large portion of the paper is about me. His feelings on how I chose to live my life, my sexuality specifically, and his thoughts about those feelings toward me. He casually mentioned that I was part of his paper and so I, of course, asked to read what he'd written about me. This spurred a lenghty discussion.
He believes that I have a void in my life from the 'painful breakup' with my long term boyfriend of two years and that I am attempting to fill that void with meaningless, emotionless sex to avoid the pains of relationships. My only reaction was to laugh. Evidentally, he has not understood anything I have spoken to him about or explained to him. I asked him to lay it all out, to be brutally honest in his opinions of me. I suppose this was too confrontational for him as it seemed to have scared him and caused him not to manage a single declarative sentence. They all began with: 'maybe' or 'kinda like'. I asked him why this was. He replied that he is not used to anyone that is not easily offended and did he not know how to respond.
I began thinking that this is true of many people, which saddens me. Many of my friends confuse openness and honesty with confrontation. Even if someone hates me, if they are brazen enough to tell me so, I love them, or at least respect them. Dishonesty is one of my only vexes.
Anyway, he finally managed to stammer that what he had written in the paper was how he felt and he could not more articulately explain himself. I attempted to correlate my own situation to his, but without success. I wanted to explain that the sex I have is neither meaningless nor emotionless, as I very much trust my partners and have great respect and love for them as well. He did not understand how this was possible. 'If I we trusted, loved, and respected one another, why weren't we in a relationship?' This was a plausible question.
He has never really been in a relationship, though I have been in only a few I have not become a fan of them. Friends are satisfied with a 'hey, how are you?' and a little attention every now and then. Relationships, however, require constant nurturing. With a full-time job and class schedule as well as some semblance of a social life, it is very difficult to cultivate and sustain a healthy working relationship which, using his theories, would not allow for any sexual interaction. Thus, in my situation, it seems appropriate and convenient to have my friends, whom I love and trust, as my partners. Though we discussed this at length, he could not seem to comprehend that I was not avoiding the pains caused by breakups and the like, but rather the inconvenience of the relationships themselves. The conversation resulted with his continual disapproval and my response: "In the end, it is still your opinion of my life."
A favorite quote of paige's: "The answer must always be, 'Yes.' The question: Can you live with that?" I feel this is appropriate here. My answer..is yes.
posted by Theresa at
6:45 AM
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